This month I sat down with… myself! I often feel like I am asking a lot of my interviewees to be vulnerable and put themselves out there.
I thought it was high time I turned the tables onto me. So here I am; I was born and raised in Whale Bay and spent most of my twenties bouncing around the world. I returned home in 2020 during the peak of Covid and am now on my own journey to become a secondary school teacher. Thanks to my friend Jorden, who took on the role of interviewer with aplomb! And thanks to you for reading!
How is your relationship with your mental health?
For the most part, it’s pretty good. I am quite an internal person; I like to deal with stuff in my head first before I take it to anyone else. That works for me for the most part but sometimes I leave it a bit too long to talk to other people about how I’m feeling. I’ll be going along quite well for a while and then all of a sudden realise that I’m feeling low and I have to lift myself out of it. That means going to the beach and grounding myself. I try to swim every day in the summer because it washes the day off. I try to make sure I’m protecting my own energy. I’ve put in a lot of work over the years and all that work has gotten me to the place I am now. There’s always more to be done but for the most part I feel pretty good.
How did you handle your mental health in your youth?
In my teens and early twenties I definitely had highs and lows. One thing I really struggle with is big change. For three weeks before my flight home from Canada, where I had been living for two years, I woke up every morning and threw up. My body was freaking out and I was like what’s going on?! I didn’t want to leave and I was worried about what would happen to the beautiful friendships I had made. When there are big changes happening now I try to tell myself, everything that has changed in the past has been ok and it is going to continue to be ok. I’ve moved all over the world and made friends and homes everywhere I’ve gone. I think the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve learned to trust myself and who I am. Mum says I’ve always had this really strong sense of self and conviction. As a teenager I was never the skinniest girl in my class and there were times when that sucked. Then I was just like f@%k that! This is my body and it’s beautiful and it does what I ask of it. I’ve danced my whole life. I’ve practised yoga for a long time. I don’t know where the conviction has come from, I feel thankful for it. Maybe it’s the Scorpio in me!
Why did mental health become an important kaupapa for you?
My friend Brownie died by suicide in 2021 and that was what started all of this. That made me realise how much people are struggling even if you can talk about it. The last conversation I had with Brownie, we were talking about our mental health. I thought that was enough, but he wasn’t quite letting us all the way in. And also, I just love to talk to people! I’ve always been fascinated by the way people’s minds work. A lot of the drive in my life is to connect with people. I think that curiosity has always been there but life happened and kicked me into doing this sort of mahi. After Brownie died I put all my efforts into creating the Mental Health Toolbox and it was pretty profound. I had something to put all my grief into. I had a project that was going to help people. It meant I could channel the way I was feeling about that situation into something positive.
You went from the Mental Health Toolbox to creating this column; how did that happen?
Jacqui, the editor, reached out to me and asked if I wanted to do this. At first I was really hesitant. I have imposter syndrome, like everybody else. Who the hell am I? I haven’t been through any major bouts of depression or anxiety. I have my ups and downs and my flaws, absolutely, but I don’t think I’m prone to those things in a really deep way. Sometimes that makes me feel like, am I the right person to be doing this mahi? But I think I’m good at talking to people, I’m curious. I have good intentions. I didn’t predict this at the start but I get so much from it, personally. It has inspired me and given me so many tools. It’s given me all these other people’s perspectives. That’s why I love doing this so much and why I love to share it.
So that’s the purpose of your mahi?
Totally! I have had feedback from people who have said it makes them feel so much better when they realise they’re not alone. The biggest thing over the three years I’ve been doing this is that every story is completely different but actually the end result is the same. It’s about people prioritising themselves. I feel really grateful that we live here and we have the opportunity to live a healthy lifestyle. I often think that if I lived in the city, I would be so unhappy. I just know how much the ocean, the community and the land does for me. I am connected here. We can steer away from all the crazy stuff going on in the world and close in on what’s important.
What do you consider daily tools for handling those fluctuations of life and bouts of mental health?
The ocean is number one for me, personally. Taking some time outside of yourself. I read a lot. I don’t need to be in my brain all the time, there’s too much going on in there! I dance, I move my body. I spend time with my friends. I am just trying to live a balanced life!
Looking forward, what are your hopes for the column and the evolution of this mahi?
One day I would love to turn all these stories into a book! But for right now, I guess the end goal is to create a culture in Whāingaroa where talking about your mental health is encouraged and asking for help is encouraged and there are safe spaces everywhere you look and there’s no judgment. This sounds maybe naive and idealistic but I think if you’re doing this sort of work, it’s required to be idealistic! I’m studying to become a teacher and our teenagers are so cool and open. I know that we are creating generational change. There are so many people in Raglan doing amazing work in this space. Change is slow but I’m a big believer that it starts in front of us. In this community we can actually make a change. And that’s what keeps me going when the world feels like a big flaming ball burning down around me. The antidote to that is hope. And I see hope in our community.
