Kaleb Kingi has lived in Whāingaroa his whole life. He works for Xtreme Zero Waste and has recently become a father, with his partner Savon, to their beautiful daughter Ren. We caught up to talk about mental health, fatherhood, and his involvement in Poutama Rites of Passage, an initiative for young men in our community to transition into manhood.
What is your relationship like with your mental health? Is it something that you’re thinking about every day?
I try not to think about it too much but, definitely on my low days, I just think about Ren. She’s literally the light of my life. I think I have a pretty good relationship with it in general; I’m definitely in tune with my emotions. When there are times I think I want to cry, I just let myself cry, I won’t hold it back. You know, in my family I think I’m the most emotional, sensitive one.
What was your relationship like with your mental health when you were younger? Going through all those turbulent years?
As a kid, I was angry at the world, taking it out on everyone else. Yea, it wasn’t that great. Because in my childhood, I wasn’t taught to talk about my feelings or I just pushed everything down. I definitely felt lonely in my younger years. I could talk to my mum when I was younger but when I got to my teenage years, I just stopped. That’s what I realised getting older as well, is that I’m not alone and I have a lot of support, I just have to ask or talk about it.
When you’ve been at the lowest points in your life, what’s kept you pushing through and waking up the next day?
Definitely my family and my friends, thinking about them. I definitely wouldn’t want to put them through something that they shouldn’t need to go through, and also for myself. I am always trying to be strong for myself. I’ve always had this thought that if you can’t look after yourself then you can’t look after anyone else. My mum says that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I’m too much of a giver, I need to start being selfish. So I try to be strong for myself first.
What about being out here in Raglan; do you feel pretty connected to your surroundings out here?
Yea it’s good because Raglan has pretty much been my whole life, I’ve grown up here. Even with work, I use it as my time to think because when I’m at home, I don’t have time to think for myself, I just have to get on with it. Work is kind of like a family up there now.
What sort of impact has fatherhood had on the way you see yourself and the way you interact with the world?
Well I’ve always wanted to have a baby and then when she did come, it was exactly what I wanted and more. I didn’t expect it to be so, hmm, what’s the word, well it’s challenging but it’s all worth it just for her smile. She is my motivation to be a better person, a better man. I definitely wanted a boy to start, but when it got closer to the due date, I really wanted a girl! I wanted that connection. I’m trying to be more soft. I guess my priorities have changed but I’m ok with that, she’s number one. I’m definitely still keen on a good night out but not every weekend! One thing I’ve definitely learned from not having my own father around is that I want to be present. That is the most important thing.
How did you get involved with the Poutama Rites of Passage programme? And how was that experience for you?
Well, Tiaki, one of the leaders, I’ve known him since I was about 14, and throughout the years he kept asking me to come on it as a young man but I kept saying no. I was too scared to talk about my feelings. But then last year he asked me again and he said that a few of my good mates were gonna be doing it too so I kinda had to do it! The hardest thing for me, to just say yes, was leaving Ren. We had to spend four nights away and it was my first time leaving her for that long. That was the hardest challenge for me but when I got there, it was amazing. I went there for myself, for my own journey, to learn about myself and obviously to help the young men. But I just thought of it as my own journey. Listening to all the others’ stories and their lives, I realised how much I had in common with them, with the young men and the mentors. And seeing my own mates grow and be vulnerable too. It was pretty special. We had a sweat lodge and we were in there for two hours, it was pretty ruthless but hearing the boys open up and be vulnerable with me and everyone else just made me feel lucky.
Do you think you’ll do it again?
Maybe in the future, maybe not anytime soon. It took a little toll on me, coming back from so much positivity and then back into real life, it was pretty weird. It definitely took an emotional toll.
What are some of the lessons that you’ve learned through your mental health journey?
I’ve learned and am still learning actually, to be patient. I try to be patient and open minded. Those are definitely the most important things that have stayed with me my whole life. And to be thankful. I try to be aware of myself. I watched this thing a while ago and it said being happy is easy, so we have to learn how to deal with what happens when we’re not happy.
Finally, what are some of the tools in your toolbox?
Cuddles with Ren, cuddles with Savon. My biggest thing is listening to music; music for me is everything. Whatever type of genre there is, there’s something that you can connect with and that’s my escape. Baby, partner, music!
