In this month’s mental health chat, Ruby speaks to Jo Sweeney.
What is your relationship like with your mental health? And is it something that you’re considering daily?
It’s funny because I guess I’m trying to be more open with this stuff. I did have a really bad dip when I came out of a long term relationship four years ago. That was a moment that made me put things into place and really address how I manage my mental health.
Do you think that was a turning point in how you help yourself?
Yeah, when a big life event like that happens, it makes all that stuff come to the top. Also being on my own in lockdown really bubbled things to the surface. I think it was actually quite beautiful because it’s made me have that relationship with my mental health. You really have to face some shit head on and it is scary. I think we live in a culture where you want to put a band aid on things and change the mood and just be happy. I had a really cool chat with some friends a few weeks ago about sitting in uncomfortable emotions and that was quite a moment for me. I think to deal with that deep rooted stuff you’ve got to sit in that uncomfortable time. I always think of other people, I don’t want to bring anyone’s vibe down, but actually sitting and dealing with the uncomfortable emotions has been a gem. It helps you process them and deal with them.
How have you refined your boundaries and found the balance between people pleasing and looking after yourself?
Well yes, I was very much a yes person, yes to helping everyone and going out to everything. And I think that’s something that I’ve definitely addressed. Boundaries have been a big one for me. I read Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed and it really helped me to understand that when you’re a people pleaser you have that silly mindset that you’re letting people down if you say no but you can’t do it if your tank is empty. You have nothing left for yourself and it feels way better to give when you’ve got something to give, it’s a reciprocal energy. You gotta fill your tank first.
What has your past relationship with your mental health been like in your formative years?
I think I definitely had little dips then, it’s something I actually talked about with my school friends recently. I’m 41 now and mental health wasn’t really talked about when we were younger. I was just a normal teenager, but I definitely had dips that I think just weren’t talked about. Friends would be concerned about it, like why are you sad? It’s just like, I don’t know! I always get a bit funny about those buzzwords like burnout. But when you are a yes person, it’s so easy to burn out! And so I think now that we’ve got more words, we’ve got language to put on our feelings. I find it really different and quite healthy.
When you’ve been at your lowest point, what was it that kept you going?
A thing that has really helped push me through was owning my shit. Especially as someone who lives on my own. I had this weird spiral sometimes that people weren’t there for me. So I really had to own my shit and find my own language for it. And asking for help has been one of the biggest things because I’m always quite an upbeat person. Being able to say to friends or family, I’m not in a good headspace and I need help has been quite a freeing thing for me. I think sometimes when you’re the helper it’s hard to be helped. It’s been awesome because I have the best people around me. I’ve got friendships that span years, my childhood best friend is still my bestie and we have amazing dialogue about it. My crew here in Raglan, some of us have been friends for 10-20 years. I feel very blessed and really safe and I’ve grown by having those same people in my life to have those conversations with. In the last few years I’ve actually weeded out a few friendships, I don’t need 100 million friends, I just need a few good ones.
What are some of the lessons that you’ve learned that you think might be helpful to other people or that have been helpful to you?
Being kind to people and having a sense of faith. My granddad always told me to have faith, no matter what your faith is, just believe in something bigger. And having a sense of humour gets you through things, because I think that it can soften the edgy moments of life. Also not being afraid to let go of things or leave jobs or relationships that aren’t serving you. Knowing what to fight for and what to let go of.
Finally, what are some of the tools in your toolbox?
Having my safe people around me and putting strategies into place. I think it comes down to quite simple stuff. I think of myself like a child where I need rest, food, shelter. My basic needs need to be met. Music is a big one for me, I’m often finding songs that can help me portray a feeling that I can’t verbalise. Time in nature helps me realise that things come and go, there’s movement, you’re not stuck in this. The rain comes then the sun comes out, the tide goes in, the tide goes out. And having a dance and a bit of fun and silliness! Also, living in a community means everything to me. I have lived in cities, but living in a community like this is so special where it’s quite common to even talk about mental health at the checkout!
