In this month’s mental health chat, Ruby speaks to Fleur Rubingh.
What is your relationship like with your mental health?
Honestly, it’s pretty good, as long as I focus on maintaining my physical health as well. For me rest is really important. If I’m tired or don’t have enough time to decompress, my brain goes everywhere. Over the last couple years, I’ve been focussing a bit more on trying to flow with what feels natural to me. One of the things that messes with my mental health the most is if I have to do stuff that goes against my intuition. It’s so hard to learn to trust those feelings! It took me leaving my home country and moving here and having space from my family to be able to look back on everything and reflect. I also try to question myself a lot and check in with my belief system.
Is it something you consider every day?
Yes, well I went through this period where I did meditation every day and I was really consistent. That was when I was living in Amsterdam and my life was so full on, I would have things on every night. I had no idea that I was actually really sensitive and that it was all too much for me. I was having these migraines and physical issues because I thought that life was what I wanted. My dad is a very social man so it was always about networking and friendships. I thought that was being successful; doing it all. Then I would break down. I never realised how much it was affecting me until I stepped away from it all and was like wow, my skin is better, my health is better, I have more energy. Everything fell into place by giving myself space and learning to listen to what I need and not what I should be doing. I lost meditating a bit when I got into a relationship because I found it really hard to find compromise and spend time with my partner, my friends and myself. Now I try to use Headspace and meditate for 10-20 minutes each day. I tried to implement a morning routine but I found it really forceful, so now I try to do everything in the way that feels natural to me.
What has your past relationship with your mental health been like?
Oh it was hard, especially as a teen. When I look back, my youth was quite privileged. I’m white, and I grew up in a semi wealthy environment so in that way there weren’t many issues but I feel like it’s just hard being a teenage girl. Now I’ve realised that some of the fears that I have, they come from my youth. What I found the hardest was what is expected of girls and how to interact with boys. You have to look good, have makeup on, remove all your body hair, have your hair done. I found that pressure really hard and I was always striving for perfection. I never felt good enough for boys and it took a long time to distance myself from that. When I was younger till when I was 26ish, I was an enormous people pleaser. I still am now sometimes! There’s a line between beautiful empathy which is really lovely, and then not crossing your own boundaries. When you’re younger you always push your boundaries without even realising it. Sometimes I would find my boundary but only put it down in pencil and then people could just erase it until I went over the edge and burned out.
When you have been at your lowest point, what has kept you moving forward?
Well, getting burned out from work actually really helped me. I was still in this mindset that culturally, burnout is just being weak, you just don’t want to work. Then I got burnout myself from other people pushing my boundaries and me saying no and them continuing to push. Mentally, that was so hard and unfair. That’s what set it in motion for me to start observing the rest of my life and make some changes. Having the right people around me helped me connect with a coach, and read the right books and that opened my mind. Since then I love learning and adjusting and growing, it’s so fulfilling. The fact that it is possible to become, not a different person but a more wholesome, kind, loving version of yourself is so lovely and you see it affect the people around you positively too.
What are the biggest lessons you have learned about yourself?
The biggest one is to trust your intuition. For me, if I take a moment to be still, I always know what I want. Even in moments when I don’t know what I want, I sit and wait and then it still comes. It always comes. It has become one of my most powerful tools. That intuition keeps me being me and not being influenced by everyone else anymore. It’s so powerful and it gives me so much peace. I feel it in everything.
As an artist, how does your creative practice influence your mental health practice?
I think first of all, I’ve definitely realised that I can’t create art just because I should. There are months that go by that I don’t do stuff because I just don’t feel it and I freak out. I feel like I should be creating but it always comes back. It’s really the moment that I let go of the idea of what my art should look like or having to stay in a certain box that I feel like I can create so much more. You know growing up, when you’re taught how to draw, they’re like oh no, stay inside the lines or that’s not the right perspective. So many rules! It always kept me from creating.
Do you think those periods of not creating coincide with you not feeling so whole in yourself or is it random?
I think it’s random, it fluctuates more if I’m putting my energy into something else. If I start a new job, in the first few months I’m not creative because all my energy is going elsewhere. The more balanced my life is, the more space I have to do art. Art comes second to my health. If I can’t create because I’m tired, I rest. I know I’m not going to make anything that I find beautiful if I’m tired and not feeling it. I feel like my art changes as I change.
Finally, what are some of the tools in your toolbox?
Feeling connected to people, having friends, and a partner that I feel safe with and can be vulnerable with helps me every day. I love going to the beach. I love sunshine, I feel like it is medicine to me. Sitting in the sun can take everything away. I love listening to podcasts when I’m driving, it’s really comforting to me. I read Eckhart Tolle and Brene Brown occasionally. Oh and cuddling Bodhi, my dog! Just having an animal next to you or laying on you, it makes you stop and be still.
Fleur will be showcasing her art for the Raglan Arts Weekend at The Hut Rangitahi on the 22nd and 23rd of October.
