This month I sat down with my friend Bailie Buchanan. Bailie is originally from Hamilton but has lived in Raglan with her son Taika for the past few years. We met on a sunny afternoon to talk about her mental health and her journey into motherhood.
What is your relationship like with your mental health and is it something you consider every day?
My relationship with my mental health is very good now. I saw a psychologist for six months when I was about 26, then I had therapy for two years during my pregnancy and after I had my son, Taika. I’m aware of my triggers now. I know how much my cycle can affect my moods. I can recognise them along with the moon cycles and take the right steps to feel good. I used to just think I got my period and that’s it, I didn’t know about the other phases and how that affects my headspace. I try to take care of myself rather than trying to fight it. I’m in tune with it because of the dark days I’ve gone through.
The first year of Taika’s life, I was trying to navigate my mental health on the daily. I still have days where I can feel the anxiety creeping in and it’s crippling. You can feel it crawling up your body. I stop and take stock of my life, what is happening, and what I can change? Anything that’s out of my control, I have to release it. Sometimes I just give myself a day to be mad at everyone, to be mad at the world. Then I say ok you’ve had your time, you’re a mother, you have a job, it’s time to keep moving. It’s about allowing yourself to feel it. I think the best advice I ever got was that pain is something that demands to be felt; if you keep pushing it down, it will keep coming up. I am learning to allow myself to feel the pain or the unfairness of something then saying, this is out of my control and I have to move forward.
What has your past relationship been like with your mental health?
I became aware of what mental health was in one of my past relationships. It was an unhealthy relationship that completely stripped me of my self worth. It was horrific. It affected my body image and made me question my intelligence. It got to the point where my anxiety was manifesting in incredible stomach pains and I had to get my appendix out. My mum took me to a holistic doctor who said my body was so inflamed by all the stress of this relationship. It took all the strength I had at that time to leave that relationship. It had me in such a choke hold. After I left, I was waking up a little bit happier every day and realising that the relationship had robbed me of so much joy. During that time, I also lost my friend Rosy to suicide. That experience has made me so tough, and has given me this backbone.
I went through another identity crisis when I broke up with the father of my son during my pregnancy. I was living with my parents with no roots down and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t even say the words ‘single mother’ out loud. Everyone wanted to help me but I just shoved them away. All I could focus on was his birth. It became my distraction. Then I had him and didn’t bond with him straight away. I felt like a failure. I felt this primal protection but I didn’t experience that Hollywood love.
Everyone talks about looking into your baby’s eyes for the first time and completely crumbling and that wasn’t happening for me. I even said to his dad at one point that we needed to hire a nanny and I would just come over to feed Taika. Thankfully, he gave me some tough love. It snapped me out of it. I started walking twice a day and then I started training with Johnny at The Refinery and that was a game changer. It helped me take my power back. Through counselling I laid it all out and found out what I was suppressing. At one point, it was like my own personal hell. I can talk about it openly now without getting emotional, but trust me, there have been many tearful conversations.
How did you get through that time in your life?
It took time. The first three to four months post baby were so hard. I never wanted Taika to grow up in a space that wasn’t calm. He was more important. I wanted to pull myself out of it so I could be really present.
I needed new scenery, fewer friends and to build that village around me. I learned to ask for help, communicate my needs, and know it was ok to do so. I never wanted to feel like a burden. I slowly started making plans for the next day or the next week. I learned about Te Whare Tapa Whā. I started to take stock of my life. Then, I got a job with Lifted Pilates which gave me some agency, and helped me find myself again. Becoming a mum is such a huge identity shift. I’m Bailie and I’m mum. I’m not just mum here and Bailie there, I’m that whole person. Now being a single mother is kinda great. I can do things on my own terms and accept the support I have around me from my family and friends.
What are some of the lessons that you’ve learned?
The world will always keep spinning, no matter what. I remember when Rosy died and I was sitting in the hospital watching people laughing and drinking coffee and just being like wow, the world does not stop just because I am going through something awful. And as cheesy as it sounds, tomorrow is a new day. Those are the things I hold onto. And just be kind! Be a good person. Don’t take your crap out on other people.
What are some of the tools in your toolbox?
Reading a book is one of the biggest things that help me regulate my nervous system. It just lets me escape. I also use the slow down and stop method. I slowly stop what I am doing, take four deep breaths, and then evaluate my trigger. It helps me so much. It’s knowing when I need a break. Whether that be calling Taika’s dad, my mum or one of the other people in our village. It’s knowing when I need to go to bed earlier and making sure I’m eating well and nourishing myself. Doing a stock take of my whare tapa whā. And having safe people to talk to!
